Locked.

[h_hollister]

After her chat with Severus and Dez earlier, Hips gets out her hanging bag. She hasn't used it in weeks, due to drama and running away and all that.

And it feels good.

It hurts, too. She's let things slide. So muscles protest at the punches being thrown, but she works through it.

She's worked too hard to let herself go, now.

The walkman that Perry gave her for Christmas is in use, with upbeat, powerful, happy music blaring in her ears.

Each punch is tension released, a worry let go of. Personal. Not the same as important.

Jerusalem? Not personal. Not really important, either. Just a job.

Severus? Getting steadily better, and that's what's important.

Rimmer? Personal. Not important.

Wade? Personal. Not important.

Thunder? Personal. Deeply so. Not important. Not to anybody else but her. And she knows that eventually this open ended THING between them will be resolved, one way or the other. Preferably with both of them ending up happy.

She's sweating, now, and her breathing rate is high and deep.

Each punch is a little bit of fear gone.

Comments

[h-hollister.livejournal.com]

She cranes her neck and dips her head down, trying to meet his eyes under that hat brim. The London rain is doing its job well, and strands of her hair are soaking and sticking to her face.

"Heh. I bet. He does have a way of screwing up all manner of plans, doesn't he?"

There are no words for a moment as she stares at him. Her throat is tight and her stomach is doing interesting flip flops. And then she starts talking, completely oblivious to the rain and the street and the cold.

"I love you. When I say that, it's the most incredibly scary thing in the world, because I still worry that I suck at it. But I can't just say 'Well, I'll pretend these feelings don't exist because I'm unsure how to express them' because that's a surefire ticket to the loony bin. When I make huge, colossal mistakes, or something bad happens to me, it's like I have to check my premises all over again, and start from square one all over again. And I realized that that's where I keep going wrong. I can't go back to square one, because I've learned stuff since then. It's so incredibly easy to say I'm starting all over and pretend like nothing's happened to me. To fall right back into old habits and old mistakes and feel comfortable there. I'm not reaching out for that comfortable failure any more. I've had it too easy. Nobody's called me on it until you.

"I love you. When I say that, I'm not trying to hold some sort of emotional blackmail over your head. You're free to not return my love. You're free to walk away from me right now and never look back. But because of who I am, and who you are, I can't help but love you, even if you're not here. The first time I ever saw you, I was just... god, immediately attracted to you. And felt guilty over it. I was in love with another man. You were with my best friend, I couldn't be with you. Because in my own pride and my own selfishness, I couldn't stand to lose Nadezhda as my friend, I couldn't bear the thought of losing Wade, and so I was forced to close the door in your face. You saw how miserable I was when I thought I'd lost them. When you came to me that day in my room, I was so emotionally numb. I couldn't believe I was saying those things to you. Because all I wanted to do was wrap my arms around you and hold you as close as I could for as long as I could.

"I love you. You probably think I'm a liar and an idiot and I'm only saying this so I can eventually hurt you again. I never, ever want to hurt you. Thunder, I wanted to hurt myself. That's where this all comes from. That's where HE came from. And I've even admitted it, to myself and to him. But I was so twisted up that even admitting it out loud didn't unhook me from him. And you got caught in the middle. And knowing what that's done to you is something I'm going to have to live with. Even if you stay. But I'm done hurting myself. I don't need to anymore. I thought I did for a long time. Habit again. Such an easy habit. Never again.

"I love you. It's not going to be perfect. Ain't no such thing as Happily Ever After. We'll disagree about things. We'll argue. We'll hurt each other's feelings and worry about stupid stuff and never really know what the other is thinking. We'll have bad days, and they'll suck. But even through all of that, I'm not going to leave you. It's become more than just wanting to help you adjust to being human. It's become more than just wanting to have sex with you.

"I'm proud of you. I'm proud of being with you. I believe in you. I trust you. I'm so, so unendingly sorry that I hurt you. I'll do better from now on. I love you."

She takes a few deep, shakey breaths, and then smiles.

"And that's everything I wanted to say to you for the last month. Thank you for listening."

[crackofthunder.livejournal.com]

His face glistens with moisture, despite the hat shielding it from the rain.

There's a small moment.

Then he just pulls her close and touches his lips to hers. Wrapping her up in a warm embrace to protect her from the cold rain.

Melting into her like he belongs there. Familiar and natural, yet pouring something new and necessary into it.

[h-hollister.livejournal.com]

When his arms go around her, she's shaking from the cold.

It's not the cold that's causing her to shake, now.

There's a small whimper in the back of her throat, a catch to her breath, a second where her knees go absolutely weak. With relief, with joy, with nerves, everything. She kisses him back, pouring her own new and necessary feelings into it.

[crackofthunder.livejournal.com]

There's a fire to it that he hopes will keep her warm for a long time to come...

Because he eventually pulls back, brushing a thumb gently across her lips.

His voice is a bit choked, so it doesn't raise above a whisper.

"Time..." he repeats, before swallowing deeply. "Just a little more..."

[h-hollister.livejournal.com]

"Of course," she whispers back, her own voice not capable of any more either. "As much as you need. I'll wait for you."

She puts a hand over his, the one cradling her face. "I'd forgotten how warm your hands are..."

[crackofthunder.livejournal.com]

He heats his fingers a little more, giving a touch to remember.

Then, he traces down along her throat, putting his warm hand to her heart. Letting it linger there in the rain for a long moment.

Until finally, he takes a step back.

"I'll... see you soon."

[h-hollister.livejournal.com]

She nods, just completely incapable of speech now. That hand over her heart has caused her pulse to jump. She matches his caress, putting her own hand on his chest.

Then, she steps back, too.

Then finally turns and walks back toward the flat.

[crackofthunder.livejournal.com]

It takes him a little longer to turn from her, watching her walk away quietly.

Then, he tips the brim of his hat down again, taking a deep breath and letting the rain fall over his face again.

An acoustic guitar song floats through his mind as he heads on his way...

I have not been home since you left long ago
I'm thumbing my way back to heaven
Counting the steps, walking backwards on the road
I'm counting my way back to heaven

I can't be free with what's locked inside of me
If there was a key you took it in your hands
There's no wrong or right, but I'm sure there's good and bad
The questions linger overhead

No matter how cold the winter, there's a spring time ahead
I'm thumbing my way back to heaven
I wish that I could hold you,
Wish that I had...
Thinkin' 'bout heaven

I let go of a rope, thinking that's what held me back
And in time I've realized it's now wrapped around my neck

I can't see what's next from this lonely overpass
Hang my head and count my steps as another car goes past

All the rusted signs we ignore throughout our lives
Choosing the shiny ones instead
I turned my back, now there's no turning back...

No matter how cold the winter, there's a springtime ahead
I smile, but who am I kidding?
I'm just walking the miles, every once in a while, get a ride

I'm thumbing my way back to heaven...